Tradebook Blog: Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find Love.

 

For my Tradebook Blog I chose to read:  Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. Because my Capstone research focuses on Attachment Theory, I felt that this book could help me strengthen my knowledge on attachment, and perhaps teach me some information about romantic attachment that I had not previously learned in the scientific literature. Indeed, I am glad that I chose this book because I feel that I was able to gain further knowledge that can benefit my research, but I also learned some information that can be beneficial to my marriage.

Attachment Theory, which was created by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, states that human infants have a fundamental drive to maintain proximity and closeness to their caretaker (usually the mother) that has an evolutionary origin (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991). Basically, this drive was developed in order to protect human infants from predators and keep them alive. According to Bowlby and Ainsworth, there are different types of attachment (attachment styles) that develop as a function of the relationship between the mother and the infant. If the mother is very attentive to the child’s needs and can always be counted on when the child needs her, then the child will most likely develop a secure attachment. However, if the mother is unavailable physically or emotionally, and cannot be counted on by the child to make them feel secure, then the child will most likely form an insecure attachment (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991). Bowlby and Ainsworth proposed that these attachment styles will influence how the child views the world around them; securely attached children will be confident and trusting, whereas insecurely attached children will feel unsure and be untrusting. These feelings will influence personalities and in turn, influence how the child behaves in relationships throughout their life.

Large quantities of research have been done on Attachment Theory and it has been found to apply to romantic relationships as well (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). The authors of this book have tried to capitalize on these findings by writing a self-help book of sorts that teaches the reader how to determine their attachment styles and use it to make their relationships better. Furthermore, the book also teaches the reader how to determine the attachment style of their mate, or a potential mate, and whether or not it will clash with their attachment style and cause problems. Importantly, the authors also include many stories from patients who have gone through relationship issues that stemmed from clashing attachment styles, and how they were able to learn from these experiences and use their knowledge of attachment to find healthy relationship partners.

After reading the book I definitely feel that I would recommend it to others, especially Psychology students and anyone who is interested in Attachment Theory. Furthermore, I believe that anyone can benefit from this book because we all engage in romantic relationships at some point in our lives and it is helpful to understand how attachment styles can affect the dynamic of a relationship.

Not only was this book interesting, but I found that the information can be applied by people looking for a romantic partner or people who are already in a relationship. Specifically, I feel that the theories and tips can benefit readers because they can learn their own attachment style and also learn to spot the attachment styles of others, whether they are potential romantic partners or current partners. Understanding how attachment systems work is imperative to having a successful relationship because attachment determines so many aspects of a person’s relationship style. For example, people who are anxiously attached are very sensitive to signs of rejection from their romantic partner; therefore, if they feel that their partner is withdrawing from them they will try to reestablish closeness by using activating strategies (Levine, M.D. & Heller, M.A., 2010).  According to the authors, activating strategies are thoughts or feelings that an anxiously attached person experiences that motivate them to get closer with their partner either physically or emotionally (Levine, M.D. & Heller, M.A., 2010).  Activating strategies can include thinking about a partner obsessively, feeling extremely anxious when separated from a partner, putting the partner on a pedestal and overemphasizing their good qualities, and believing that one cannot live without a partner (Levine, M.D. & Heller, M.A., 2010). Unfortunately these strategies can backfire by making the non-anxious partner seek further disengagement from the anxious partner. 

Interestingly, while learning about the patterns of interaction between different attachment styles, I actually discovered that many of them apply to my own marriage. My husband happens to be anxiously attached whereas I have an avoidant attachment. Before I read this book I didn’t understand how problematic this dynamic could be within a relationship. Although we love each other, it is often very hard for us to get along because we both desire different levels of intimacy due to our attachment styles. For example, whenever I am stressed and tired I tend to withdraw and want to be left alone. My husband perceives this as me not wanting to be around him, which activates his anxious attachment system. In response, he tries to reconnect with me by being very clingy and needy. Unfortunately, this behavior activates my avoidant attachment system, which makes me want to retreat away from him even more and put more distance between us (both physically and emotionally).  A destructive pattern emerges where each of our behavior exacerbates the other’s feelings and round and round we go. The needier he is, the more distant I become, and the more distant I become the clingier he becomes. 

At first, reading about this pattern was relieving because it made me understand that neither of us is at fault for how we are in our relationship. However, a sad realization also set in that we are fighting an uphill battle with trying to merge our differing attachment styles. According to the authors, it is often very difficult for anxious and avoidant people to come to a compromise in their relationships. In fact, the anxious person tends to have to accept that the avoidant person is simply not capable of giving them the kind of intimacy that they desire (Levine, M.D. & Heller, M.A., 2010). This was very upsetting to me because I do not want my husband to have to settle for being unhappy. Thankfully, although there were many stories where anxious and avoidant people were not able to make things work, the authors did give a few examples where compromise had been successful. 

One such example of a couple with differing attachment styles making it work was the story of Sam and Grace. Sam and Grace had been dating for over two years and decided to move in together. Unbeknown to them, Sam had an avoidant attachment and Grace had an anxious attachment. Whenever Grace moved in Sam began to feel suffocated and started lashing out at Grace for little things. One incident in particular, the toothpaste incident, sent Sam over the edge. When Sam had noticed that Grace kept squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle of the tube instead of the bottom, he completely lost it and yelled at her. Grace was completely caught off guard and didn’t understand what the attack was about. Luckily, Sam and Grace sought therapy and learned a method that helped them cope with incidents like this one. By completing an inventory which asked them to acknowledge their behavioral patterns, and to get down to the real feelings behind them, they were able to figure out a way to happily coincide. Sam was able to accept that he sometimes felt overwhelmed and suffocated when he believed Grace was getting to close to him and would therefore try to push her away, and Grace was able to recognize that when Sam began to withdraw she reacted by exhibiting behaviors that made him pull away even more. Once they both acknowledged their patterns they were able to take steps to change their behavior when there attachment systems were activated. Grace learned to give Sam space when he needed it, and Sam learned that he has to work hard to not distance himself from Grace when he starts to feel uncomfortable (Levine, M.D. & Heller, M.A., 2010).

This story was inspiring because it gave me hope that these types of relationships could indeed be successful if both people were willing to work hard and understand their attachment styles and the needs of their partner. In fact, I actually had a discussion with my husband about this book and he was interested in reading some of it. Once he had read about our attachment conflicts he said he felt like he understood where some of our relationship issues originated from. We had a very long talk about things that we could do to try to counteract the obstacles that were in our way, and came to the conclusion that we both want to make things work. Because we now both have knowledge of the different levels of intimacy that we require, it makes it easier for us to compromise and not point fingers at the other person or try to place blame. We understand that these differences do not make us bad people, and that we just have to learn to adjust and work through the hard times. Thankfully, the book does give some tips and exercises for both anxious and avoidant people on how they can retrain themselves not to fall prey to their attachment pitfalls. 

One exercise that I feel will be helpful is the relationship inventory that Grace and Sam completed. This template asks you to look at a situation, your reaction, what you were feeling, what activating strategies you employed, what the repercussions of these strategies were, and what you could have done differently. I feel that by taking the time to analyze why you engaged in a behavior and what you were feeling at the time, it becomes possible to change your behavior. I am really hoping that both my husband and I can use this method to resolve conflicts and become better partners. 

Truthfully, I would normally be pretty skeptical of any self-help book about relationships, but because the authors are both reputable sources, I feel that I can trust the content of this book.  Dr. Amir Levine is a developmental psychiatrist and neuroscientist, and is currently involved in research project sponsored by the National Institutes of Health. Rachel S. F. Heller has a master’s degree in social-organizational psychology. I believe that the authors are both knowledgeable in their fields and have sufficient experience in researching the topic of adult romantic attachment. Many of their patient’s case histories are used in the book as real- life examples and give weight to their theories, as with the example of Grace and Sam (not their real names, of course). Because of these examples, I feel that the book is credible and is beneficial for the general public. As far as being good for a scholarly audience, I feel that the authors presented a good theoretical basis for their stories, but could have tied in more scientific literature to strengthen the evidence for their conclusions and theories. However, I do feel that there was sufficient information to broaden anyone’s knowledge on attachment. As previously stated, I have studied attachment intensely and I still feel that I learned new information. 

In my opinion, this book had many strengths and only a few weaknesses. What I liked the most was that the authors really focused on trying to help people of all attachment styles learn about themselves and ways that they could improve on a personal level, as well as ways to seek compatible partners and strengthen bonds within their romantic relationships. I think that the tips and exercises are really good ways to get readers involved and have them apply the information to their own lives. I also feel that reading all of the stories of real relationships was helpful in putting the information in context, and gave me a sense that other people deal with the same issues that I do in my relationship. The one weakness I would list is that there was not as much information aimed at helping people with an avoidant attachment to counteract their internal drives and improve on themselves as partners. More emphasis was placed on the partner being able to compromise with the avoidant person’s need for space. It almost made me feel, as an avoidant myself, that it is somewhat hopeless to think that I could change my attachment pattern. I think that in future books, if they choose to write one, the authors should address this gap. However, I do think that most people would find this book helpful because most people have no prior knowledge about Attachment Theory. Learning about this theory can help others to understand themselves and their partners, and hopefully even help some people get out of destructive relationships. Specifically, I feel that people who are anxiously attached can benefit the most from this book because they can learn to recognize abusive patterns in their partners that they are programmed to overlook due to their attachment style. By learning that the feelings they are having are related to their attachment system, and not real love, they can find the strength to walk away from abusive or distant partners and find someone who can give them what they need/deserve.

If I had to pick one thing as a take home message from this book it would be that everyone has different needs when it comes to intimacy, and that is okay. Society has taught us that it is bad to be needy, clingy, and sometimes even independent, but in reality it is perfectly acceptable to desire a certain level of affection and interaction from a romantic partner. If your partner is not capable of giving it to you it doesn’t mean that your needs are wrong, perhaps it just means that may not be the correct partner for you. However, I do also feel that if you are in a committed relationship and love someone, that you have to learn to work through conflicts and overcome obstacles put in place by different attachment styles. It is up to the people involved in the relationship to decide what is imperative for them to be happy and then to do whatever it takes to achieve that.

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References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bowlby, J. (1991), An ethological approach to personality development.

American Psychologist, 46, 331-341.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511

Levine, M.D., A., & Heller, M.A., R. S. F. (2010). Attached. The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. New York: Penguin group.